Date

Joke

Submitted By

   

 

08/05/06

 

 

      

   08/05/06

 

 

   

   09/05/06

 

   

 

 

10/05/06

 

     

11/05/06

 

 

12/05/06       

 

 

 

  12/05/06

 

 

 

12/05/06

 

 

 

 

13/05/06

  

 

 

 

 

    13/05/06

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  13/05/06

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

13/05/06

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

13/05/06

 

 

 

 

 

14/05/06

 

 

  

 

 

 

 14/05/06

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

17/06/11

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

21/07/11

 

 

 

 

 

 

  22/07/11

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10/08/11

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

26/01/12

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

22/02/12

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

22/02/12

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

22/02/12

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

24/02/12

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

24/02/12

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

01/04/12

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

01/05/12

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

22/06/12

 

 

 

 

 


03/08/12

 

A newly posted FSO had spent six months at post and curiously asked one his colleagues whether a telegram he saw before he left Abuja requesting the Mission to "arrange reception and accomodation" was not received in the Mission. The colleague confirmed receipt, and the FSO queried that while he had been provided with accomodation, he was yet to enjoy any reception ceremony in his honour. The colleague told him that the fact that he was met on arrival at the airport, the said reception in the circular had been achieved.



      A politician representing one of the hinterland constituencies in Nigeria travelled to Cairo with a delegation and wanted to place order for chicken in a restaurant. He asked the waiter confidently: 'Do you have fowl meat?' The waiter didnt seem to understand. Wondering, he added pointedly, I mean 'meat of cock'; the waiter still could not make any sense out of it. The politician just queried angrily; 'Dont you know cooko roo koo?'. Then the waiter understood he meant chicken.

 

    A barking dog threatened to bite an Indian man, who became scared and tried to run away. The second Indian man reminded him of an English proverb, which says that ‘a barking dog does not bite’. The first man told his colleague in his Indian accent as he moved away, saying; You know the proverb, I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb?

 

   In the early eighties, a questionaire was circulated to all Brazilian Diplomats to indicate their countries of preference in their next postings .Ninety-seven percent indicated LAGOS, NIGERIA. So,when their responses were collated and forwarded to the Foreign Minister, he exclaimed,'' Then we should move our Foreign Ministry to Lagos".

A poster on the Kremlin notice board reads: "Diplomacy is the art of telling someone to go to Hell in such a way that he looks forward to the journey!"

  

On a bright morning, near Ikeja Police College, a team of new police recruits was undertaking a jogging exercise. An insane Nigerian was also running along with them. A passer-by observed this and asked the insane man whether he wanted to join the police.
The insane man replied: " I dey craze to join Police? "



A pastor was preaching in one of the new churches and gesticulating with his hands and body, warning the congregation not to believe in any other god but our Lord Jesus Christ. He kept on gesticulating so much that his right hand (which was raised up high) was touched by the ceiling fan. The poor fellow was naturally afraid and shouted 'Shoponna o'. (Shoponna is a Yoruba god).

An Englishman and a Frenchman were staying in the same hotel. Each time the Frenchman came to the restaurant, he will greet the Englishman with "Bon apetit". Thinking the Frenchman was introducing himself, the Englishman always replied by mentioning his name as Daniel Jones. Having continued for five times, the Englishman was surprised by the Frenchman's frequent introduction of himself and wondered whether he was not in sane. He reported the matter to the hotel authorities only to be told that the Frenchman was simply wishing him good apetite.



When in 1980, our late sage, Chief Obafemi Awolowo wrote a letter to President Shehu Shagari about the sinking ship of the state, and paused to ask, whether the President had ever asked himself this Latin question - Qui Bono? (for whose benefit), Alhaji Shehu Shagari reduced such a serious question to mere polemics by replying that he had never asked himself questions in Latin, but only in English and Hausa. Another governor was asked what Minerals abound in his State. The response was Cocacola, Fanta etc



Iqamat

In Saudi Arabia, Iqamat can mean a call to muslim prayer or residence permit for immigrants. This long-bearded and pious-looking Pakistani was staying illegally in Jeddah. One day he was called upon to lead some pilgrims, most of whom were Saudis in prayer. The practice is that the call to prayer must preceed the actual prayer itself. But, through a probable inadvertence, he started the prayer without allwoing the call to prayer. One of the followers shouted behind him: Iqamat! Iqamat!! Iqamat!!!. Thinking that the immigration authorities had come to arrest him, he abandoned leading the prayer and fled.

Mattew Chapter 7, Verse 7

A boy was 'toasting' a certain girl in Lagos. Each time the boy made his advances, the girl will tell him: Mathew Chapter 7, Verse 7. After so many attempts spannning about three months with similar responses from the girl, he concluded that the girl was too much of a born again christian and gave up. One month after, he decided to consult the Holy Bible to ascertain what was in Mathew Chapter 7, Verse 7. He realised that the verse simply says: "knock and the door shall open". He, thereafter searched desperately for the girl but to no avail.

SAUDI JOKE

The Saudi Minister of Foreign Affairs invited the American and British Ambassadors for a private dinner in a tent. After the dinner sitting on tables they moved to the carpet for coffee and "cigar" break. Al-Faisal sat down and crossed his legs close to his body, the British Ambassador was able to bend his knees to about 90% while the American sat straight legged. Al-Faisal noted this and said that the position of their crossed legs also reflected their countries flexibility in international affairs. When in 1980, our late sage, Chief Obafemi Awolowo wrote a letter to President Shehu Shagari about the sinking ship of the state, and paused to ask, whether the President had ever asked himself this Latin question - Qui Bono? (for whose benefit), Alhaji Shehu Shagari reduced such a serious question to mere polemics by replying that he had never asked himself questions in Latin, but only in English and Hausa. Another governor was asked what Minerals abound in his State. The response was Cocacola, Fanta etc.

GERMAN JOKE

I just came back from a dinner organised for the Ambassador by INWENT, a German Organisation that is reknown for Capacity Building. At the dinner, a retired business man who chaired the occasion told us the story that he recently was in Dubai and when the plane had stablised the co-pilot intorduced himself as Mr. Atta - he stated that many people gasped for fresh air thinking that the brother of Muhammed Atta of 911 infamy was piloting the plane on the way to crush it. After landing, the first thing he was in the Airport were people wearing tee-shirt with the logo Saudi Bin Ladin. He asked his wife to assure him that he was not brought to Dubai by First Officer Mr. Atta to meet the Alqaida chieftain himself.

POLICE BARRACK

A man kept his SWOT policy for a long time with the wife of his neighbour while at the same time maltreating the son of his lover. The son kept telling him that he will tell his father a Police Man. One day the Police man came back unannounced and the man jumped under the bed. Once in a while, the small boy will bend down and look under the bed and say "see your eye". At last the father discovered the man and a stray bullet hit him right in the head.



 
Ambassador of Soul          

The wife of the soul music legend James Brown was once stopped by police for overspdeeding and dangerous driving. While pleading with the police, she decided to claim diplomatic immunity from prosecution. When the police asked her on what grounds, she explained that she is the wife of the Ambassador of Soul Music. Therefore we now have Her Excellency the wife of the Ambassador of Soul music.    

Preacher

A Preacher was in church one evening, giving a talk on family life, and mid-way through the talk, he asked all the men in the congregation who control their wives at home to stand on the right side of the pulpit and those who are controlled by their wives to stand on the left side. All the men in the congregation stood on the left hand side of the pulpit except for one very strong eyed fellow who stood on the right side. The Preacher of course was curious and asked him for the formula, so all the other men could start controlling their wives at home henceforth! The guy dutifully answered that he had been directed to stand at that spot by no less a person than his wife, the Madam.



Well Well Well

Rijiya is a hausa word for ' the well', from which we fetch water. A Hausa interpreter was invited to interprete for a British colonial District Officer, while addressing a hausa-speaking community. The DO started his speech with the preposition: Well, Well, Well. Realising that the only word he knows as 'well' in English is the one describing where we fetch water from, he simply interpreted the DO preposition as Rijiya, Rijiya, Rijiya.



Three men at the gate of heaven

Three men found themselves at the gate of heaven at the same time. When asked how they got there? These were their responses: First man - I did not know how I got here but I was trying to take a car, which was not my own, when something fell on me from above. Second man - I was a sales man who rushed home while on a round to meet my beautiful wife. As I was entering the flat, the car alarm went off, I looked through the window and saw a man trying to steal the company car. The last thing I knew was that I picked a big cupboard and threw it at the thief. Third man - Me, I knew nothing, I was inside a cupboard.



Marital Economic Empowerment Development Strategy

During one of our village meetings, we were all levied a fixed sum of money to help a brother suffering from LEEDS, (Lack of Economic Empowerment and Development Strategy) - thanks to Venerable Bashua and Sonala Olumese- to marry a wife, in view of his advancing years. A year later at another meeting, this gentleman stood up in the midst of all, cleared his throat loudly to attract maximum attention and went ahead to thank the village for rescuing him from a life-term of bachelorhood and quickly added that there remains a very little problem. He explained that the meeting might be wondering why he has not put his wife in a famiy way since the marriage was consumated. He then proceeded to say that it was due to the abscence of a mattresse to sleep with his wife, and requested that we raise more funds towards buying this item for him to enable him procreate. It was at this stage that it dawned on all present that we have a very serious case of MEEDS in the family (Marital Economic Empowerment Development Strategy).



Human Race

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

                 

Adam and Eve

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. ‎"You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve


 

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)..........

"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Never Argue with a Woman

To all my thinking women friends!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think

Say Thank You Sir to ATM Machine

After collecting her money from an ATM machine, a Nigerian lady in Ibadan went down on her knees and thanked the machine in our traditional way of expressing appreciation for kindness shown, saying "eseun adupe sir".

Wonderful English from Around the World

*In a Bangkok Buddhist temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor’s office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

A Joke Is aka

A Nigerian, Ajoke Isiaka from my old state, West Central, with kapital Ilorin, the most southerly Provincial Emirate, was at the Doctor's Clinic in famous Harley Street, London on consultation. After an unduly long wait, my fellow citizene approached the female Receptionist to inquire about the situation. This conversation ensued:

"What's your name please, Madam?"

"Ajoke Isiaka", responded the patient.

"But I have been calling A Joke Is aka, twittered the Receptionist!

----Wonderful English if not bombastic.

"Asante"

A Ghanaian statutory officer of our continental OAU, precursor of AU, arrived at a Nairobi Hotel. This conversation reportedly took place:

"Bwana, tafadali una penda nani? (Please what's your name Sir?)

"Asante"

"No, Your name Sir?"

"AK Asante", emphasized the gentleman in Queen's English.

"Mzee, but we have not done anything for you yet", said the Receptionist who then asked for the visitor's passport.

Our Ghanian brother tendered the passport. The Receptionist understood.

Asante in kiswahili means "Thank You"

 Asante sana (Thank you very much).   

IT PAYS TO BE A NIGERIAN

Man died and went to hell, there he finds that there are different hells for each country, he decides to go round and choose the least painful to spend his eternity. He goes to the German Hell and ask, "what do they do here" He was told " first they put you in an Electric Chair for an Hour, then lay you on a Bed of Nails for another Hour, then the German Devil comes in and Whips you for the rest of the day. The Man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the USA, UK, RUSSIAN Hells as well as many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German Hell. Then he comes to the Nigerian Hell and finds that there is a Long Queue of people waiting to get in... Amazed, he asked? "What do they do here?" He was told "First they put you in an Electric Chair for an hour, and then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour then Nigerian Devil comes in and Whips you for the Rest of the Day." But that is exactly the same as all the other hells, why are there so many people waiting to get in?" asked the man... A concerned fellow calls him aside and said, "Because there is never any STABLE ELECTRICITY so the Electric Chair doesn't work. The nails were paid for but were never SUPPLIED by the Contractor, so the Bed is Comfortable to sleep on... And the Nigerian Devil used to be a CIVIL SERVANT, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and leaves for Personal Business!!! .............IT PAYS TO BE A NIGERIAN.......Naija una carry una wayo reach hell.....ℓº°˚˚°º

HAPPY COW WEEKEND

The Harvard School of Economics was conducting an economic development workshop among its egg-head students from all over the world. It posed a practical question: "HOW WOULD YOU MANAGE TWO COWS TO BRING PROSPERITY TO YOUR COUNTRY?" The students took turns to provide their answers as follow-

@ American student - I advise my government to shoot one cow, milk the other, pay the citizens for the milk, pour the milk down the drains and then go abroad to force citizens of other countries to refund all the costs of the milk.

@ Indian student - I worship them both. They are gods. Oh, my gods!

@ Brazilian student - I enter into partnership with an American corporation. Soon the two cows become 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy, moves out and I proceed. Who cares?

@ Chinese student - I set 100million people to milk the two cows. Then, I achieve high bovine yields, send their hooves for spicy soups and get journalists who report on them arrested.

@ Nigerian student - Pomo and round-abouts! What do mean, shoes and bags?

@ Israeli student - Open milk factories, ice cream factories, send all their calves to Harvard to become doctors. Who needs humans any way?

@ British student - First thing, make the cows mad, then send their beef to Argentina, why should they ask for a tiny, small island?

@ German student - Reengineer them so they can live for 500 years, eat once a month and milk themselves. Then you just cling beer glasses around town.

@ Greek student - Eat both of them up quickly before dawn, and before the rest of Europe wake up. They will bring in a hurry a thousand more cows at my door steps and hand them over to me kneeling down.

@ Italian student - I would not know where two cows are. I must break for lunch.

@ Russian student - I count the two cows and they are 12 cows. I count again, they 21. I count again, they are 42. Again, I count, they are 2 cows again. Then I refill my vodka glass.

At that point a professor cut in: "Cow on boys!"

TOILET TO LET

A middle aged Chinese arrived for the first time in New York to inherit a beautiful palatial house bequeathed him by his Chinese-American grand-father. Offering the house for rent for quick money, he left the following advert signpost, which he had brought from Beijing, on the front door of the house: "THIS HOUSE IS TO I LET, TENANTS MUST BRING THEIR FURNITURE".
The following morning, it took a fully geared New York Police combat squad to disperse a surging crowd that gathered in front of the house, each armed with a toilet roll.
"Officer! Officer! Please ask them to come back with their dollar bills, not their shit!" The highly embarrassed Chinese yelled at a police commandant, "is this how Americans behave

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

A professor was travelling by boat.
On the way he asked a fellow passenger in the boat:
Do you know biology? No, the miserable fellow replied.
Ecology? No, sir. Zoology? No. Meteorology? Hydrology? Geology? No, no, no sir!
Exasperated, the Professor blared: These illiterates! What on earth do you know?
One hour later the boat started sinking. The Professor was gripped with panic. The illiterate, looking calm and unperturbed, turned to the professor and asked: Do you know swiminology? Do you know escapeology from sharkology? N'n'n' ..o-o-o-o, the Professor replied, shivering.
"Too bad, sir!" the unlettered passenger told the Professor. "The way things stand now, crocodileogy will eat your headology and you will dielogy with your knowledgeology because of your mouthology

(It  just that Everyone is important in  their own Right, There is dignity in labour.) No Man is an Island.
So, Honourable Professor what do you know?

BULLET PROOF CAR

Mallam Musa bought a N20m bullet proof Jeep, he was travelling from Abuja to kano when armed robbers accosted  him and opened fire on his car and all the bullets bounced off. Thanks to technology.

Mallam Musa started raining abuses on the bandits from inside the car, "Ubanka Shege, Dan boroba, I no go fetter por you fapa and ya mama". The Armed bandits shouted back at him that they can't hear him, Mallam Musa rolled down his glass so they could hear him.

He has since been buried accounding to Muslim rites.

 

SMART GUY
 

A pretty lady was sitting beside a guy inside the church, so the guy saw her and decided to express interest in the girl during the same church service as the pastor was preaching. The guy tapped her and said "hello" introducing himself to her and began saying some 'sweet something' to the girl. Along the line the girl shouted at him to the hearing of the entire congregation "LEAVE ME ALONE, IS IT BY FORCE? I SAID AM NOT.....
The guy looked around and noticed that the attention of the whole congregation was diverted to him. Feeling deeply embarrassed, and in order not to get disgraced from the incident, he smartly and quickly shouted back at the girl "I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU ALONE, UNTIL YOU GIVE YOUR LIFE TO CHRIST!! The pastor congratulated him  - for trying to win a soul for Christ.

 

                                          Submit

 

Hameed Opeloyeru

 

 

 

  Hameed Opeloyeru

 

        

 

   A.R. Sallahdeen

 

  

        

 

A.R. Sallahdeen

           

 

Audu Kadiri

 

 

 

Ibim Charles

 

 

Abiodun Bashua

 

 

 

 

      Hameed Opeloyeru

 

 

 

 

      Olusola Ajose

 

 

 

 

 

     Hameed Opeloyeru

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      Habib Habu

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      Olabisi Dare

 

 

 

 

     

 

 

 

 

 

     Hameed Opeloyeru

 

 

 

 

 

      Olusola Ajose

 

 

 

 

 

 

      Nnaemeka Nwagbo

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

 

S. Danjuma

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

B. Adejinle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  S. Danjuma

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

S. Danjuma

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hameed Opeloyeru

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edward Aina

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edward Aina

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edward Aina

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sheni Danjuma

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

S B Bassey

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

S B Bassey

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Patrick O Obi

 

 

 

 

 

 

Max Ogbede

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuka Udedibia